2019 is when I graduated from college, after 6 years of finishing school. One year was wasted “preparing” for medicine and the other had to be repeated at college due to low attendance. 6 years. My friends who went to DU were already doing their masters. Some were even done and had a job. I was 24 but I had learnt so much while travelling, during my time at college. Hopping on late night buses, without a clue of where I’m going, getting into a bizarre relationship with someone who was ten years older and fucked up, hitchhiking, trusting people, telling stories- I was getting better and better at it. I concluded this is what I want to be doing. I think I can do it all my life. I’ll be a travel presenter, or an anchor! I got this.
May came, and I was suddenly in the middle of my first ever start up with my then best friend. Let’s groom dogs, we said. And, started out from from our 3rd floor apartment in Naraina. I was still going to keep travelling as I wanted to see the world. But how does one do that broke? Cheap flights lead me to Bangladesh and then Borneo, a creator friend’s recommendation got me on my first all paid international trip, a first collaboration with a car company also randomly fell in my lap. I thought, wow, this is great, I’m progressing. September arrived and I had just shot for a Gillette TVC- damn, I’m going to be on TV. Let me use that money to travel in the North East. Oh, I undercharged? Maybe next time! Woah one second, Google Maps wants me in their ad?!? You must be joking. Let me save that money to do my dive courses. Wait, I can also take people to Borneo, let’s do a group trip. You won’t earn anything out of it? Sure, maybe next time! Bam, COVID! Should I cancel my flights to Chhattisgarh or postpone? I guess cancelling would be better.
Work shut, travel shut, parents separated. This is a new chapter. I have no idea what to do. Let’s go for a drive to clear my head, now that it’s allowed. Vendors are unable to feed their kids- oh, let’s start something to support them. First sale, 791 items sold. Oh uh, what do I do? I know nothing about packing ceramics!? Will figure it out. It’s a full blown business now, how? I’m doing so well. How? Oh but I’m not making any money. Interesting. Now what? Loss of sight because of a medicine’s reaction that was supposed to get rid of a cyst in the ovary? Didn’t see that coming, did ya? Why are people dancing to weird songs on the internet? I don’t want to do this. Cool, let’s stunt your online growth. Okay, so now let’s break up with this person you’ve not seen in 7 months. Then, let’s get into a new relationship right after. Okay, but what about travel? A 35 day insane caravan trip to heal. So, did you heal? No, not really. Let’s go out for drinks with the friends. It’s been a while. Twisted your ankle? What? Tore ligaments? Bed rest? Okay..but I had just started to travel again. Alright, it’s about time. It’s been a year of living together, let’s move out of mom’s house. I’ll find something nearby. New house. New chapter. Delta. Let’s also restart work again. I can find a cheap basement and turn it into a beautiful space. We are now selling rugs, candles and self designed cutlery. Lasted a few months but it’s not giving me joy anymore. To adopt Ollie or not to adopt? Shut business for good. But let the other female involved, first torture you a little? Makes sense. Oh she’s started changing the passwords. Hurry, protect everything. Phew. Now what? Let mom and brother go. They need to start a new life. Wow, that was really hard. Adopt Ollie. Move away.
Okay.
2022, all clear. New chapter. New city. With the love of my life. Will this monster I imprisoned within still follow? Will I have the same questions? The answers to which will be “I don’t know”? Will I be able to afford a life here? What will I do? The weather’s so nice. Let me get a freelance gig for two months to pay the bills. Forget all that, let’s start cooking and growing things and going for walks. Life’s good. This is the change I needed.
Or, is it? Let’s screw your sinuses and not tell you. Lets tell you when you’re trying to come up from your first dive and experience a reverse block. This pain is like no other. Okay, lets seriously get your life in order. Exercising? Yes. Eating healthy? Yes. Putting out YouTube videos? Yes. All is well. Great, in fact! Lost data- that’s okay, don’t don’t spiral. Please don’t, you will survive this. All is well.
Just drove back home in 7 hours from a good 10 day trip. Hot shower, butter chicken and some hugs. I’m so tired but so content. Today, I will sleep like a baby.
10th July. 3:40 am.
Hey Siri, look for psychiatrists near me.
The monster is wide awake.